Monty Python meets Debito Arudou
Ken Y-N and the Overthinker have adapted a famous scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail to fit Debito Arudou’s complaints over the use of the term “gaijin” [THIS IS A JOKE.]:
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Old gaijin!
DEBITO: Nihonjin!
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Old Nihonjin, sorry. You speak Japanese very well, ne?
DEBITO: I’m forty-three.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: What?
DEBITO: I’m forty-three — I’m not old!
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Well, I can’t just call you `Nihonjin’.
DEBITO: Well, you could say `Debito’.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Well, I didn’t know you were called `Debito.’
DEBITO: Well, you didn’t bother to find out, did you?
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: I did say sorry about the `old gaijin,’ but from the behind you looked–
DEBITO: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Well, I AM a policeman…
DEBITO: Oh policeman, eh, very nice. An’ how’d you get that, eh? By exploitin’ the gaijin — by ‘angin’ on to outdated racist dogma which perpetuates the economic an’ social differences in our society! If there’s ever going to be any progress–
WOMAN: Debito, there’s some lovely porn down here. Oh — how d’you do?
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: How do you do, good lady. I am a Japanese Policeman. Whose foreigner rights lobby is that?
WOMAN: A what policeman?
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Japanese.
WOMAN: Who are the Japanese?
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Well, we all are. We’re all Japanese and I am a policeman.
WOMAN: I didn’t know we had police. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
DEBITO: You’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the gaijin classes–
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing race into it again.
DEBITO: That’s what it’s all about, if only people would–
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who works in that foreigner rights lobby?
WOMAN: No one works there.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Then who is your mentor?
WOMAN: We don’t have a mentor.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: What?
DEBITO: I told you. We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Yes.
DEBITO: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Yes, I see.
DEBITO: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,–
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Be quiet!
DEBITO: –but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more–
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
DEBITO: Order, eh — who does he think he is?
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: I am a policeman!
DEBITO: Well, I didn’t vote for you.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: You don’t vote for policemen.
DEBITO: Well, ‘ow did you become a policeman then?
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: The Minister of Police,
[angels sing]
his arm clad in the purest shimmering blue cotton, held aloft the Keisatsu Techo from the bosom of the Diet, signifying by Imperial Providence that I, a Japanese Policeman, was to carry the Techo.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
DEBITO: Listen — strange ministers lying in diets distributing techo is no basis for a system of government. Supreme residential power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical parliamentary ceremony.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Be quiet!
DEBITO: Well you can’t expect to wield supreme judiciary power just ’cause some drunken minister threw a techo at you!
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Shut up!
DEBITO: I mean, if I went around sayin’ I was a copper just because some moistened bint had lobbed a techo at me they’d put me away!
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DEBITO: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Shut up!
DEBITO: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I’m being repressed!
JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Bloody gaijin!
DEBITO: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh? That’s what I’m on about — did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn’t you?—————————-
VERSION TWO:
—————————-
DEBITO: Old Yank!
MATT: Aussie!
DEBITO: Old aussie, sorry. What activist works in that foreigner rights lobby over there?
MATT: I’m thirty seven.
DEBITO: What?
MATT: I’m thirty seven — I’m not old!
DEBITO: Well, I can’t just call you `Aussie’.
MATT: Well, you could say `Matt’.
DEBITO: Well, I didn’t know you were called `Matt.’
MATT: Well, you didn’t bother to find out, did you?
DEBITO: I did say sorry about the `old Yank,’ but from the behind you looked–
MATT: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
DEBITO: Well, I AM Japanese…
MATT: Oh Japanese, eh, very nice. An’ how’d you get that, eh? By exploitin’ the gaijin — by ‘angin’ on to outdated racist dogma which perpetuates the economic an’ social differences in our society! If there’s ever going to be any progress–
WOMAN: Matt, there’s some lovely porn down here. Oh — how d’you do?
DEBITO: How do you do, good lady. I am Debito, Japanese citizen. Whose onsen is that?
WOMAN: Japanese what?
DEBITO: Citizen.
WOMAN: What are citizens?
DEBITO: Well, we all are. We’re all Japanese and I am a citizen.
WOMAN: I didn’t know we had citizens. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
MATT: You’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the gaijin classes–
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing race into it again.
MATT: That’s what it’s all about if only people would–
DEBITO: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who works in that foreigner rights lobby?
WOMAN: No one works there.
DEBITO: Then who is your activist?
WOMAN: We don’t have an activist.
DEBITO: What?
MATT: I told you. We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
DEBITO: Yes.
MATT: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.
DEBITO: Yes, I see.
MATT: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,–
DEBITO: Be quiet!
MATT: –but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more–
DEBITO: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
MATT: Order, eh — who does he think he is?
DEBITO: I am a Japanese!
MATT: Well, I didn’t vote for you.
DEBITO: You don’t vote for citizenship.
WOMAN: Well, ‘ow did you become Japanese then?
DEBITO: The Minister of Immigration,
[angels sing]
his arm clad in the purest shimmering polyester suit, held aloft a Koseki from the bosom of the desk signifying by Imperial Mandate that I, Debito, was to carry this Koseki.
[singing stops]
That is why I am a Japanese!
MATT: Listen — strange ministers lying in offices distributing koseki is no basis for a system of citizenship. Residential rights derive from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical government ceremony.
DEBITO: Be quiet!
MATT: Well you can’t expect to be a Japanese just ’cause some drunken minister threw a koseki at you!
DEBITO: Shut up!
MATT: I mean, if I went around sayin’ I was a Japanese just because some moistened dude had lobbed a koseki at me they’d put me away!
DEBITO: Shut up! Will you shut up!
MATT: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the activist.
DEBITO: Shut up!
MATT: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the activist!
HELP! HELP! I’m being repressed!
DEBITO: Bloody gaijin!
MATT: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh? That’s what I’m on about — did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn’t you?
[From Occidentalism via social linking site JapanSoc]
