Monty Python meets Debito Arudou

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    Ken Y-N and the Overthinker have adapted a famous scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail to fit Debito Arudou’s complaints over the use of the term “gaijin” [THIS IS A JOKE.]:

    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Old gaijin!
    DEBITO: Nihonjin!
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Old Nihonjin, sorry. You speak Japanese very well, ne?
    DEBITO: I’m forty-three.
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: What?
    DEBITO: I’m forty-three — I’m not old!
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Well, I can’t just call you `Nihonjin’.
    DEBITO: Well, you could say `Debito’.
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Well, I didn’t know you were called `Debito.’
    DEBITO: Well, you didn’t bother to find out, did you?
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: I did say sorry about the `old gaijin,’ but from the behind you looked–
    DEBITO: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Well, I AM a policeman…
    DEBITO: Oh policeman, eh, very nice. An’ how’d you get that, eh? By exploitin’ the gaijin — by ‘angin’ on to outdated racist dogma which perpetuates the economic an’ social differences in our society! If there’s ever going to be any progress–
    WOMAN: Debito, there’s some lovely porn down here. Oh — how d’you do?
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: How do you do, good lady. I am a Japanese Policeman. Whose foreigner rights lobby is that?
    WOMAN: A what policeman?
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Japanese.
    WOMAN: Who are the Japanese?
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Well, we all are. We’re all Japanese and I am a policeman.
    WOMAN: I didn’t know we had police. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
    DEBITO: You’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the gaijin classes–
    WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing race into it again.
    DEBITO: That’s what it’s all about, if only people would–
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who works in that foreigner rights lobby?
    WOMAN: No one works there.
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Then who is your mentor?
    WOMAN: We don’t have a mentor.
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: What?
    DEBITO: I told you. We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Yes.
    DEBITO: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Yes, I see.
    DEBITO: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,–
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Be quiet!
    DEBITO: –but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more–
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
    DEBITO: Order, eh — who does he think he is?
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: I am a policeman!
    DEBITO: Well, I didn’t vote for you.
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: You don’t vote for policemen.
    DEBITO: Well, ‘ow did you become a policeman then?
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: The Minister of Police,
    [angels sing]
    his arm clad in the purest shimmering blue cotton, held aloft the Keisatsu Techo from the bosom of the Diet, signifying by Imperial Providence that I, a Japanese Policeman, was to carry the Techo.
    [singing stops]
    That is why I am your king!
    DEBITO: Listen — strange ministers lying in diets distributing techo is no basis for a system of government. Supreme residential power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical parliamentary ceremony.
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Be quiet!
    DEBITO: Well you can’t expect to wield supreme judiciary power just ’cause some drunken minister threw a techo at you!
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Shut up!
    DEBITO: I mean, if I went around sayin’ I was a copper just because some moistened bint had lobbed a techo at me they’d put me away!
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Shut up! Will you shut up!
    DEBITO: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Shut up!
    DEBITO: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I’m being repressed!
    JAPANESE POLICEMAN: Bloody gaijin!
    DEBITO: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh? That’s what I’m on about — did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn’t you?

    —————————-

    VERSION TWO:

    —————————-

    DEBITO: Old Yank!
    MATT: Aussie!
    DEBITO: Old aussie, sorry. What activist works in that foreigner rights lobby over there?
    MATT: I’m thirty seven.
    DEBITO: What?
    MATT: I’m thirty seven — I’m not old!
    DEBITO: Well, I can’t just call you `Aussie’.
    MATT: Well, you could say `Matt’.
    DEBITO: Well, I didn’t know you were called `Matt.’
    MATT: Well, you didn’t bother to find out, did you?
    DEBITO: I did say sorry about the `old Yank,’ but from the behind you looked–
    MATT: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
    DEBITO: Well, I AM Japanese…
    MATT: Oh Japanese, eh, very nice. An’ how’d you get that, eh? By exploitin’ the gaijin — by ‘angin’ on to outdated racist dogma which perpetuates the economic an’ social differences in our society! If there’s ever going to be any progress–
    WOMAN: Matt, there’s some lovely porn down here. Oh — how d’you do?
    DEBITO: How do you do, good lady. I am Debito, Japanese citizen. Whose onsen is that?
    WOMAN: Japanese what?
    DEBITO: Citizen.
    WOMAN: What are citizens?
    DEBITO: Well, we all are. We’re all Japanese and I am a citizen.
    WOMAN: I didn’t know we had citizens. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
    MATT: You’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the gaijin classes–
    WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing race into it again.
    MATT: That’s what it’s all about if only people would–
    DEBITO: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who works in that foreigner rights lobby?
    WOMAN: No one works there.
    DEBITO: Then who is your activist?
    WOMAN: We don’t have an activist.
    DEBITO: What?
    MATT: I told you. We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
    DEBITO: Yes.
    MATT: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.
    DEBITO: Yes, I see.
    MATT: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,–
    DEBITO: Be quiet!
    MATT: –but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more–
    DEBITO: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
    MATT: Order, eh — who does he think he is?
    DEBITO: I am a Japanese!
    MATT: Well, I didn’t vote for you.
    DEBITO: You don’t vote for citizenship.
    WOMAN: Well, ‘ow did you become Japanese then?
    DEBITO: The Minister of Immigration,
    [angels sing]
    his arm clad in the purest shimmering polyester suit, held aloft a Koseki from the bosom of the desk signifying by Imperial Mandate that I, Debito, was to carry this Koseki.
    [singing stops]
    That is why I am a Japanese!
    MATT: Listen — strange ministers lying in offices distributing koseki is no basis for a system of citizenship. Residential rights derive from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical government ceremony.
    DEBITO: Be quiet!
    MATT: Well you can’t expect to be a Japanese just ’cause some drunken minister threw a koseki at you!
    DEBITO: Shut up!
    MATT: I mean, if I went around sayin’ I was a Japanese just because some moistened dude had lobbed a koseki at me they’d put me away!
    DEBITO: Shut up! Will you shut up!
    MATT: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the activist.
    DEBITO: Shut up!
    MATT: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the activist!
    HELP! HELP! I’m being repressed!
    DEBITO: Bloody gaijin!
    MATT: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh? That’s what I’m on about — did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn’t you?

    [From Occidentalism via social linking site JapanSoc]

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